Weeks ago, I deactivated my main Facebook account. It was sudden and I became quiet. Like I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t respond to people quickly to their queries why I did it. To be honest I was tempted not to reply at all. I was tempted not to speak at all. I was at that point that I just want to disappear from people.
I found things so noisy, so crowded even in my own social media platform. I’ve been finding it too much even before but on that day, something just broke in me. It made me feel that I don’t want to deal with the people.
In that moment, I found myself writing another spoken word piece. So here I am here sharing it to you. These were the things that was going through my mind. My thoughts and feelings on the matter.
Fade into Obscurity
Spoken Word / Concept | Sese Ramirez
The numbness is real. The ache is profoundingly real too.
How it is possible to feel numb and pain at the same time? Can you tell me?
I stopped searching for an answer. I think there is no answer.
There is no answer and no explanation. I can’t answer all the time why I am like this.
Frankly, I’m tired of explaining. I’m tired of making people understand or to empathize.
I’m tired. I’m really, really tired.
So let me be. Stop asking me.
Stop apologizing for things that might trigger me.
It’s not your fault. And it’s ok.
I’ll deal like I always do. Like I always do.
I say goodbye for now. I need and want to be alone right now.
I don’t want to deal with people right now. It’s okay. It will be fine.
Why, why, why, do I want to do this?
Why, why, why, why fade into obscurity?
Why, why, why? I guess, I don’t have the answer to that.
For now. For now.
So am I isolating myself until now? In a way yes. I mean I still hang out with people. I can hang out it. It’s just right now, I rather chose more than ever, chose carefully who I feel I wanna hang out. But being with myself and isolating myself from other people give me less anxiety. Less anxiety, the faster I can deal with myself.