You might have an idea what this blog post about based on the title. You may or may not know. I kind of disappeared from social media especially in Facebook for more than a week. I did it for two major reasons. One of the reason was the one I given out to the public aka to the majority of the people who knows me online and that is: I am prepping up for a major project.
That project is all about depression. Surprise, surprise! Hoping that I would be able to show you the end result before 2016 comes to an end. Or by next year? Hahaha. The point is, I will show it and I hope inspires people or probably help someone out there.
Another is, I really wanted to be away. LIKE AWAY. I needed a peace of mind, to clear my head and THINK. I even consulted a LONG TIME COLLEGE friend who I personally treat like an older brother and my spiritual adviser (HI JOHN! ?).
In the end I succumbed to the idea and had myself see a psychiatrist to get myself checked.
So how is like to be in psychotherapy?
This is not the first time I’ve actually seeked professional help to deal with my depression. But it’s been A WHILE. The first time I did it. I was nervous as fuck. Like I don’t know what I will do with myself. Because seating or lying down there as someone prod questions and makes you talk about the shits of your life is TERRIFYING. At first.
I mean, this is a total stranger. Not someone you knew. There is this feeling of “OMG THIS PERSON IS GONNA GIVE ME JUDGING LOOKS ETC”. But take in mind, that your psychiatrist will not and should not JUDGE you. That is not in his/her position to do so. It will take some time to adjust to that feeling that your psychiatrist is freaking judging you. I know. I’ve been there.
And I back to that again. But this time, it was not terrifying as the first. What was terrifying was the diagnosis. Diagnosis is terrifying. It is. ALWAYS. The result will either put you into perspective or in denial.
It was perspective for me.
Anyway, so I’m seeking professional help. I go to doctor’s clinic twice a week. My schedule is usually Mondays and Saturdays. Sometimes it changes depending on the schedule of my doctor and mine. I usually like weekday schedules because after a session, I just wanna be alone. Like people don’t come near me or NOPE I don’t wanna hang out today… LEAVE ME ALONE.
It’s draining for me. Every session is draining. I hope it goes away as I progress through my session. I’m booked till December (CAN YOU HEAR MY WALLET CRYING? ?) Seeking professional help is not cheap yo. I had to pay my session until December in one go to save money and for me it’s practical because I know a month of therapy is not enough.
Also, I got more contemplative and I’m seriously writing my thoughts about every each session in a notebook. I wish I could share it but those thoughts are super private, they are mine. Maybe when I die, yes you can take a peek. Therapy made me reconsider going back to serious meditation. And so much alone time. Ahaha yeah, so basically I’m reconnecting with myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I still socialize. I still go out and meet friends. But nothing beats the comfort of strangers not bothering you. I like it that way.
How am I now since I’m on therapy.
HOW AM I?
The proverbial question.
I’m going to give you the answer: I DON’T KNOW. I guess I am okay? I am fine. Don’t expect me to tell you I am getting better or I am happy. Emotions are difficult to explain and to describe. You just can’t describe being happy just because you feel elated.
I AM OKAY, I AM FINE. I AM DOING JUST FINE.
I AM SURVIVING.
I’ll let you know once I get on to my second month of therapy.
So life in psychotherapy. Is not as bitch as it sounds. It’s difficult. Who wants to deal with their shits with a stranger?
It is what helping me right now. So, if you feel you need to seek professional help, do so. Don’t force it though. Reflect on in like I have. It could help you and probably save you too.