I’m not supposed to post this yet but in light of Amy Bleuel’s death (she committed suicide), I decided I will. This spoken word piece is very close to me. I wrote it one day and while writing it, I was a sobbing mess. It took me days before I know I could read it and do a spoken word video without being an emotional wreck.
I had a friend, she committed suicide. We were very young that I didn’t have the proper concept of what mental illness was. I was so naive. I just thought she was just sad. People think she was crazy and weird. That she just wanted attention. We didn’t know that she was depressed and she needed help but she couldn’t get it. Then one day, everything was just way too much, she hanged herself and that was it. She was gone. I lost one of my closest friends ever to suicide.
Her death affected me greatly, I could not understand it at first. I was not angry, I was sad because she decided to leave so early. I could not understand why she did it but now I know and this spoken word piece is for her. Words and thoughts I have that I was not able to tell her before because I simply could not understand.
I also dedicate this piece to those who have lost their loved ones to suicide and to those who are thinking about it. Please know, you are not alone and you are loved.
And to Amy Bleuel, wherever you are, I hope you are at peace and now free. Rest in peace.
Words | Sese Ramirez
I wonder where you are right now
I wonder if truly, you are no longer in pain
I wonder if we could have done more that day.
I wish we could have done more
I wish I was there, to hold your hand and tell you… you are loved and we care
To tell you that, you are important and someone to us.
To let you know, that without you? It will never be the same.
That night you took your life away
I regretted so many things.
I regretted not listening more
I regretted not being there when you needed me the most
I regretted not seeing the signs.
I’m so sorry
I’m so, so sorry.
Thank you so much for giving so much life when deep inside you feel so empty
Thank you for your love and for your friendship.
I hope you are truly… no… I know you are free now.
Free from pain and the constant loneliness that you feel
Free from the mental illness that has plagued you for years.
I love you
I love you and everyday, every moment, every minute….
I miss you.
Rest well my friend and be at peace.
If you know someone who needs help and thinking of suicide please do something. You can call the following numbers (For PH only): 02-804-HOPE / 0917-558-HOPE #suicidawaraness.